Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Tears

Tonight I stood in a hot shower for an hour and cried and cried and cried.

Sometimes when you're heart is ripped to shreds too much, one thing you're realize it does is takes away a part of your capacity to believe you have significant worth. And I don't just mean that it takes away worth, I mean it takes away the actual capacity to believe you have worth.

It's like when people have blood clots or something like that where their brain gets deprived of oxygen long enough, and a part of the brain literally dies, and can't be brought back to its normal usage ever again (at least not at this point of medical technology); the heart feels like it works similarly: after it's deprived of something for so long, it begins to feel that it never did and never will deserve that thing, that I'm just not worthy of it--so much so that even if the proof that I was worthy stared me in the face and shouted my worth at me, I might accept it for a minute or two, but in the next few moments, doubts would immediately creep back in, and I would think, "Yeah, but tomorrow will be different; tomorrow you'll think less of me and the day after you'll be gone."

We all go through that on differing levels of that in life, but there are senses in which certain situations take on an entirely different dynamic. It almost becomes an entity, and actual attacker, who shadows me everywhere and never leaves me alone, always whispering, "You're not worthy, you don't deserve love, you don't deserve affection, and you will always be alone."

I think that whole being deprived thing is why the second book I'm writing is so important to me: I need to feel like even if my soul isn't worth much to people, that perhaps at least my ability to be selflessly affectionate has some value, and even if it's not accepted in reality, that it's at least accepted on paper.
I'm trying, and I'd rather try and lose than not try at all.

And my writing my book, saying, "I affirm that I should be thinking about these subjects," and, "I deserve to someday enjoy them," and, "These things are what makes life right and beautiful and I'm pursuing them with all my heart,"--those kinds of affirmations that I make to myself are part of how I try.

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